1 year progress- Back to square one
Within the past year I made one of my biggest lifestyle changes in May of 2012. I started eating healthy, exercising, and educating myself on nutrition. By mid-august I had hit my lowest weight in years, 199 pounds. Once I started my senior year of college though, I completly fell off the bandwagon. Basically, all the progress I had made within the last year was destroyed and I am back to square one and why? Because I wanted to have fun and enjoy my senior year with my friends. I stopped taking care of myself, started drinking excessively, and stopped working out. I realized a little too late that I could not live the same lifestyle as my friends…and my that point I had dug myself in this hole.
I have been feeling so horrible about myself. I didn’t know what to do (and sometimes still don’t) and felt so lost. If anyone said something to me I would take it the wrong way and think it was because they didn’t like me. I had all this negativity that needed a release. I felt ugly, fat, and not worthy of all the people who love me. My parents also came to visit me on the 12th (graduating with honors c: ) and we went to find a graduation dress. Lo and behold, none of them really fit me. Which led to more self-hatred.
This really scared me because I was never a person to hate myself or my body. Of course I didn’t feel attractive sometimes but to me it didn’t matter as long as I felt happy and comfortable in my own skin. Now though, I felt that my happiness depended on my weight…people liking me depended on my weight. How could I have lost my way?
Then one night all the negativity around me just crashed down on my that I felt like I was suffocating. All I could do was cry. Thankfully, my brother was awake at 2am (and even though he could barely keep his eyes open) helped talk me out of the negativity and to start cleaning up my life one step at a time. I started with cleaning my room (hahaha). Started exercising and tracking what I eat again. I am trying to take it one day at a time, week by week to keep my sanity.